(Extract from the Mind Publication "Understanding Caring ")
Many people know someone who is a psychiatric patient or seeing a psychiatrist as an outpatient, or taking tranquillisers or anti-depressants. Most of them will get better and it can be rewarding to help them along the way, but sadly, some people don't recover, and may need care for the rest of their lives.
This booklet is intended to help you give emotional and practical support to a friend or relative experiencing mental health problems. It offers advice about handling difficult situations that may arise, and suggests ways of looking after yourself.
What's the best way to give someone support?
Helping someone who's in mental distress can range from giving them emotional support (by listening to them andshowing them appreciation, for example) to providing them with the practical help they need to live their lives from day-to-day.
Listening
People who are feeling bad often have a need to talk to someone about that they are experiencing. All too often, others find it hard to listen. Instead, they interrupt to talk about themselves or to tell the person what they should do or how they should feel.
If you can listen well, the person may be able to talk in a way which could help them feel better. They may express emotions in a physical way: by crying, or getting flustered and agitated, or even by laughing. Releasing feelings in this way may help them to be more relaxed and to think more clearly. You may need to offere reassurance and encouragement ('I want to hear about it', 'It's good that you're crying'). Asking the right questions can help people to talk about the most important things ('What is it that is really bothering you?', 'Why do you think you are feeling like this?')
Listening well does not always mean keeping quiet, but it does mean thinking about how you can help the other person to open up and talk. It's not easy to listen well, but it's always worth making the effort. It can make a significant difference to someone you want to help. It could be that the person you want to help may feel too depressed, scared or untrusting to talk. You can still let them know that they are welcome to talk to you if and when they want to.
Appreciation
We can all benefit from receiving praise. This particularly applies to someone who has lost their self-confidence. A person who has been used to leading a normal life can find it hard to give themselves credit for small, but important, achievements, such as taking a quarter less of a tranquilliser or travelling a mile on a bus. Successes such as these need to be recognised for what they are: brave and significant steps on the road back to recovery. Appreciation from you may help them to feel good and be ready to make more progress.
Touch
Being touched may help someone feel safe, secure and loved. It can also help bring buried feelings to the surface; a warming hug can turn tension into tears. Unfortunately, some people may have had such bad experiences of being touched that they find this contact difficult. This is particularly true for women who have been touched by men in ways they have not wanted.
If you can find ways of touching which feel right for both of you, it can be relaxing and reassuring. You might hold the person's had while they talk, or touch their arm when you say good-bye. You could learn to give a massage to the head, feet, hands or shoulders - all places where tension builds up. Local colleges may run courses in massage techniques.
Laughter
Feeling better after a good laugh applies as much to people who are mentally distressed as to anyone else. You don't always have to be serious to show you care. Sometimes it's best to do something which helps people forget about their problems for a while. You could go to a film you know they will enjoy, or remind your friend of amusing things you did together. Being light-hearted is different from trying to force someone to 'pull themselves together', which is never useful.
Practical help
Someone who is feeling bad can find it difficult to do day-to-day tasks like shopping, cooking, cleaning and paying bills. A period of mental distress can create extra work, such as sorting out social security payments. It can be a great relief to have some help from someone. For some of us, helping with practical tasks can be the best way of showing we care. But it is important not to take over more than necessary. If you do, it can leave the person feeling even more inadequate than they do already. Often the best solution is to do things together.
